From going to Dubai to get over relationship heartbreak to getting their entire arses tattooed, celebrities have a different way of doing things to us Average Joannes. Apart from maybe Megan [link] and the handful of celebrity mums who actually look after their own children, celeb parenting is a whole other ballgame. So here are the cardinal rules, should you ever make it big…
1. Thou shalt have a terrifying amount of children in quick succession
When you’re a celebrity, you can have your baby painlessly at the Portland clinic while you’re reading a magazine and eating a fruit basket. And then someone else takes them away and dresses them up to match your outfit and looks after them and that boring stuff. This gives you plenty of time to pop out babies like a Thai dancer firing ping-pong balls out of her hoo-ha. Why stop at one? Have 87!
2. Thou shalt give it an unwieldy and baffling name
The trend to call your child something unbelievably stupid has gone mainstream, with most primary school registers boasting kids called Thor Trestletable The Third, Jetpack, Toilet and Princess Superstar Fluffle Wuffle Cannelloni Grimshaw. But celebs will always have the edge. Oh, hi North West and Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale!
3.Thou must adopt, adopt, adopt
If you’re bored of squeezing babies out of your gusset like some self- replicating, constantly pregnant octopus, then do the world a favour and adopt someone else’s baby instead. You can apparently buy them in bulk from poor countries, dahling.
4. Thou must have a day nanny, a night nanny and an afternoon nanny (for naps)
Very rich people have more than one nanny, you know. They have armies of Mary Poppinses, hulking great heavy Louis Vuitton nappy bags around, entertaining them on aeroplanes, getting up with them 10 times a night and doing all the drudge that is normally associated with parenting. Celebrities usually hold, interact with or transport their own children for approximately 15 minutes a day, usually when a photographer is present.
5. Thou shalt tell interviewers that motherhood is hard
Motherhood is hard for most people. Celebrities know this. They’re usually from broken homes themselves, dragged up in the Appalachian mountains by a family of toothless people out of Deliverance before they hitched a ride to Hollywood and became a star. So when interviewed they say: ‘Man, nobody told me that motherhood was so hard!’ *takes bikini selfie on a sun lounger in Mexico while the servants teach the baby how to swim*
6. Thou shalt also tell interviewers that motherhood was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to you
If you’re a celebrity, you’d better not look like you can’t remember what your kid’s names are. So gush whenever possible about how brilliant it is to be a mother, how much it transformed you, the joy it brings every day. Then ignore them for the next twenty years while you grimace into the camera like a slowly deflating sex doll.
7. Show what a good parent you are by only posting the back of their head on Instagram
Celebrity parents are understandably protective of their children. The world is full of people twitching at their laptops, waiting to Photoshop your baby’s head onto a picture of a giant goose, so you have to be careful about what images you reveal on social media. So a nice discreet shot of you cradling their fuzzy head is required. (Plus you signed over exclusive baby image rights to OK the moment you did the pregnancy test).
8. Thou shall never look like a frumpy mum in Asda
Some celebs, like the effortlessly beautiful Mila Kunis, can handle a bit of frumpiness, and don’t shy away from a baseball cap/egg-stained joggy bottoms combo from Walmart. But can you imagine Mariah Carey in a shellsuit, taking Monroe and Morroccan to Home Depot, wrangling them into the trolley and buying a 20 pack of lightbulbs and radiator cover? Nope.
9. Thou shalt shower your children loads of ugly, expensive stuff they don’t want
You might be too busy to talk to them, but that’s ok, because you can buy them things instead! Jessica Simpson’s daughter Maxwell was given a lavish carnival in the back garden for her birthday, featuring various food stations selling hot dogs, snow cones, candyfloss, cupcakes and candy. Oh and let’s not forget Beyonce and Jay-Z’s daughter Blue Ivy’s birthday present – a custom made $80,000 diamond encrusted Barbie doll. (These kids are ONE. They’re at the age when they’re still surprised that they have a mouth, nose and eyes.)
10. And last but not least - thou shalt FLAUNT YOUR PREGNANCY CURVES
When you’re a celeb, you’re not allowed to just be a human being with a baby gestating in your womb. You have to have ‘pregnancy curves’. And you have to ‘flaunt’ them. Or ‘flounce’. Or ‘pour’ yourself into a micro bikini. If you, say, choose to ‘hide’ your pregnancy under a baggy t-shirt, the Daily Mail sidebar will say that you look ‘tired’ or ‘troubled’ (translation: shit). So get that bump out, lotion it up and boing down the red carpet like a knocked up Tigger, OR ELSE.
And remember to smile!
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