Yeah, I know you’re sitting there in a state of semi-consciousness, with a baby attached to your boob, wondering whether you’ll ever see Paris, or wear clothes than aren’t from the Sainsbury’s maternity range. You probably won’t even read the title of this blog post before collapsing into a coma.
BUT WAKE UP! (Just for a minute, anyway). Because sleep deprivation can be FUN!!!!!!
Forget all those negative nancies complaining that they’re tired. Yeah, they’re tired. We’re ALL TIRED! Who cares? Embrace the tired like a big droopy, sleepy, cuddly, snoozy bear. Wear it as a badge of pride. Wallow in its endless depths. We all know it’s not going anywhere, so we may as well have a laugh, right?
You see, when we haven’t slept for days, things can get a bit…wacky. Life might have descended into a grinding routine, but before you had children, you were never this insane, even at 3am with a glowstick in the Bangerz Tent. So give a big yawn and let’s explore all the ways that sleep deprivation is a blast…
1. It’s slapstick comedy time!
Did you just put a pint of milk in the washing machine? How about that time you were so tired you fell down the stairs? LOL! Sleep deprivation can cause all manner of hilarious mishaps. From putting your knickers on upside down to leaving the baby on the bus, your life is now just like a silent slapstick movie with no beginning, middle or end.
2. Like being drunk, but without the expense
Once upon a time, you went to bars so you could feel this way. You have to hold onto the kitchen counter while you wait for the steriliser to finish. You can barely walk in a straight line. And you regularly find yourself stumbling about in the kitchen at 5am, feeling confused and dehydrated.
3. Discover your hidden depths
Some people go to great lengths to find their true selves, hanging out with Inca tribes, going to Ashrams in Nepal and going through years of psychoanalysis. But continuous sleep deprivation takes you right into the very heart of your soul and shows you exactly who you are: someone who is very, very tired and wants wine.
4. It gives some ZING to your relationship!
When you’re sleep deprived, relationships never get boring. Instead, you just say the first ludicrous thing on your mind and then try to attack your partner with a burp cloth. Let out all those boiling resentments, throw a Tommy Tippee mug at them, then collapse on each other in a dreamless sleep. Remember, you are in this together. (Even though you hate each other right now and he’s a bastard because he gets to go to work and you don’t.)
5. You can drink loads of coffee and cake and nobody will judge you
At this sleep-deprived stage, diets are as improbable as skiing or space exploration. This is where coffee shops come into their own. You can sellotape yourself to a comfy sofa and have an absolutely legitimate excuse to have four lattes and 25 white chocolate and raspberry muffins. Simply sigh and tell your Mum mates: ‘well, I’ve got to keep going somehow, haven’t I?’ while stuffing your gob full of cake and dropping crumbs on the baby.
6. Ride the emotional rollercoaster
Are you giggling maniacally at the wall? Or crying at a particularly poignant episode of 60 Minute Makeover? Feel those feelings! You are alive! (Just).
7. Give your brain a break
You’ve probably spent years trying to build a career and be taken seriously in society. Well, consider this some time off from being logical and intellectual. Thanks to sleep deprivation, your brain is now just a giant cotton wool ball. You won’t be able to read a book, have a sensible conversation or do a Powerpoint presentation for the next couple of years, so just sit there for a while happily saying ‘bababababa’ and looking at pictures of animals.
8. Everything looks weird – in a good way
Colours are magnified, nature looks ravishing, and your love for your new, precious baby is like an infinite ocean of magnificence. It’s beautiful, man.
9. Sleep is delicious
You probably never really thought much about sleep before you had a baby. You just dropped off when you were tired and set the alarm to get up. But now, sleep is fraught and elusive, and even when you’re exhausted it sometimes won’t come. But when it does – WOW. Talk about the best, zonked-out unconsciousness ever. Dead people ain’t got nothing on you.
10. It’s a great excuse to get out of things
Remember pre-children, when you used to have to go to loads of boring work engagements and family gatherings? Now, you can just use that old chestnut: ‘I’m sorry, we’ve just had a baby’ and everyone will leave you alone in the evenings to drink Shiraz and eat Matchmakers on the sofa. Cheers!