It’s going to take more than an afternoon off and a hot bath to ease the sheer insanity and crushing responsibility of modern motherhood. So hurry up, Technology– stop trying to target us on Facebook with crap ads for Fitflops and get on with inventing something to make our lives easier! That way we can enjoy our children while still having the time to drink cocktails, be CEOs, and split the atom. Here are just a few ideas…
The Makin’ TimeTM Time Controller
Wouldn’t we all love to have more time to gaze fondly at our bairns, play on the swings or waste our lives looking at other people’s lives on Pinterest? On the other hand, sometimes - especially when you’re with a young kid who wants to play with the Fisher Price Bounce, Groove ‘n’ Irritate for 2 hours - you want time to speed up, FAST. Enter the Time Controller, which can drag and drop time on command. It should also have a special button so you can record Bake Off and order a pizza or whatever. Get on it, scientists.
Teleportation Device For Kids
Late for school? Never mind, just strap the kids into the wipe clean durable seats and zap ‘em through space. If you’ve programmed it correctly, they should arrive in class in a matter of seconds. If not, they might end up in the Himalayas, but depending on how badly they behaved at breakfast, that’s probably no bad thing.
An app that tells men when the housework needs doing
There’s no reason why someone can’t invent a motion sensor app that gives male partners the ability to detect outstanding domestic tasks. The minute your man is just about to flop onto the sofa with a bottle of Peroni, the app turns his phone into a piercing, vibrating screambox, which propels him head first into the overflowing washing basket.
Instant Makeover Juice
Can’t be bothered removing that bit of margarine from your hair? Have you been wondering why there’s been an Octonauts sticker on your tit since Tuesday? If you’d love to look like Cara Delevigne when you get out of bed, but you look more like a caravan full of vinegar, then drink a pint of Instant Makeover Juice and be transformed into a school gate fox. Obviously it will taste and look exactly like Baileys.
Who needs to worry about dinner when Robochef is around? He’s a big ole mechanical blob with fish slices for hands who can order a Tesco delivery and rustle up something edible - even on a Friday when you’ve dropped the parenting ball and you’re lying on the sofa watching Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated. Would be even better if he was always a bit drunk, like a cross between Keith Floyd and Bender from Futurama.
Samantha from Bewitched’s nose
Oh what we wouldn’t give to tidy a room and do a packed lunch with one cute, witchy wiggle of the nose. Also, we’d quite like to conjure up a hot guy who looks like Johnny Depp and makes perfect bacon sandwiches.
Hate doing homework with your child? Is it a tense and unhappy experience during which your overtired kid exhibits all the brainpower of a mollusc? If 1+1=11, then what you need is a Homework Pal. Just plug its USB cable into your child’s ear and it will sync with their brain, helping them to complete their homework automatically while you have a cup of tea.
NO, not Instagram! InstaGRAN! Inflate her with a pump and she can look after your children while you go out and do something more fun!
Well-paid flexible part time jobs within school hours
It seems like the world of work will never get to grips with the idea that school finishes at 3. In fact, most employers seem quaintly surprised that you might need to pick up your kid, rather than leaving them outside in the rain, crying. Unless you actually work in the school office, you really don’t have a hope in hell of finding a job that will slot in with your child’s day. Maybe one day, though, the magic pixies might create genuinely flexible part time jobs that are decently paid. CAN YOU IMAGINE?
When a post it note isn’t enough to remind you of that council tax bill/school reply slip/doctor’s appointment, the Rememberer will know. He’s like Robocop, but more of a stickler for organisation. When you forget something, he just turns up out of the blue and briskly redirects you back to the Co-op to buy a pack of washing up sponges.
Smug Mum De-Smugifier
You’re sitting in a coffee shop with a woman who is being horrendously smug about motherhood. All her toddlers’ carrot batons are perfectly trimmed, she has a designer nappy bag, and keeps saying stuff like ‘I don’t know what mothers find to moan about! I want to be with my children every waking minute. I’m just so joyfully happy!’ One quick mace spray of the Smug Mum De-Smugifer will immediately turn her into a whinging basket case like the rest of us. And while she’s distracted, you can nick her blueberry muffin. Yum.
More affordable childcare and cheaper cost of living
HAHAHA –Well, we can dream can’t we?