Recent research from Bird’s Eye has claimed that mothers do 42 tedious, grinding, drudge-ridden tasks a day. Is it any wonder we’re feeling a bit run down? Could that be the reason we can hardly concentrate on whether Chetna’s Kugleflop has the right kind of sponge layers to hold the crème patissiere on Bake Off? Or why we can’t finish a book, or a sentence or a…Sorry, lost my thread there.
Anyway, here’s a breakdown of the top 10 tasks that Mums always seem to end up doing, according to the survey. They might not seem like a big deal on the surface, but dig a bit deeper and you’ll see why they might be making us go a bit loopy…
Get the kids out of bed
If you have young children, they will wake you up at 5.30 on Saturday and Sunday by sitting on your head and screaming blue murder. However, on a nursery or school day, they will develop the uncanny ability to lie in like a hormone-addled teenager. You’ll literally have to drag them from under the duvet and prop them up at the table like Bernie in Weekend at Bernies.
Pouring some Cheerios in a bowl is easy, right? Well not always. Sometimes they want porridge and they go all OCD Goldilocks if the temperature isn’t just right, and if you don’t do a smiley face on it with squeezy honey they will cry. Sometimes, they want pancakes, which is a bit like asking you to get ready in the morning while unicycling. Then there’s the toast – cut into triangles, not rectangles. Jeez.
Pack away the breakfast items
Scrape layers of burnt porridge off pan. Try to rinse the puddle of milk out of the bottom of their bowls without blocking up the sink with soggy cornflakes (impossible). Remember when you were a carefree student and used to get up at 9am and watch Everybody Loves Raymond in your pyjamas. Cry.
Put a wash on
While you were making the porridge did you put a wash on? What do you mean, no? SLACKER! Get the washing and put it in the washing machine…but wait, there’s manky old washing from yesterday that you forgot to take out and it smells like a tramp’s bum crack. Put that on again and watch the dirty washing pile get bigger, like an ever-growing clothes yeti.
*do 8 hours of work or childcare and then..*
Plan the evening meal
This is the worst job of all. Planning a meal EVERY DAY that everybody will eat, has enough nutritional value and doesn’t make you want to barf is nigh on impossible. My personal range of evening ideas extend to pasta and er… pasta. And don’t bother searching for a Healthy family meal planner online. (Not unless your kids love Kale Jambalaya). Clueless, with depression heaving in your chest, you will walk like a ghost through the supermarket and end up buying chicken dippers.
Hang up washing
Wait, before you put the shopping away, you need to hang up that washing before it goes manky again! So you hang it up and put another wash on to appease the washing pile gods. This time, you’ll remember to take it out.
Make the Evening Meal
You decided to pair the chicken dippers with detested brocolli and some kind of guilt-ridden homemade potato gratin because you don’t want to give them processed food all the time. The potato gratin is complex, takes forever and you almost slice the tops of your fingers off, and when it comes out of the oven looking MAGNIFICENT it is received with the words: ‘Ugh! I don’t like it! It looks like sick!’ Then they won’t eat their chicken dippers either because the potato gratin breathed near it.
Clear up after the evening meal
Because nobody ate the potato gratin, nobody is allowed pudding apart from a banana and the mood is grim. Scrape plates into the bin, cursing yourself for wasting food, then eat ALL of the potato gratin, furiously. It is delicious. (1097 calories).
Do you have to do everything around here? APPARENTLY SO.
It’s bedtime. The floor of the living room looks like a graveyard of cracker crumbs, squashed bits of Play Doh, miniscule Lego accessories and strange spillages. While you’re shouting that you’ve had enough for one day and why is there a banana skin behind the telly, drown out their cries with your despairing hoovering.
AAAAAAND RELAX. Finally you’ve got a moment to yourself. Ah, that’s it, just pour a nice glass of wine and sink into the lovely comfy sofa and
see what’s on the… Take the washing out
(repeat these tasks until death).