Being a Mum puts you at the centre of your child’s world. Your puffy eyes, your red nose and your wine breath are what your kid looks forward to every morning. As they get older, they start to say things like ‘Mummy, why have you got three chins?’ and ‘Your hair is like straw!’ But even so, you are their guiding light, and they look to you for everything.
Unfortunately, though, something else happens when you have a kid. You become COMPLETELY BLOODY INVISIBLE to the rest of the world. Try catching the attention of a hot guy when you’re pushing a pram or fixing a wonky wheel on a scooter. Impossible. And you can forget your moment in the spotlight- the nearest you’ll get to a red carpet is when you’re pushing a trolley full of screaming kids around the Ikea rug department.
Yep, kids upstage you something rotten. Remember when you used to have photo albums full of pictures of yourself? All the bad haircuts! All those unsuitable boyfriends! But you were in your twenties, and compared to now, you looked like Cara Delevigne in every single one. When you walked down the street, people checked you out. You EXISTED!
Now you’ll be lucky if there’s a picture out there of your arm holding a birthday cake, or a shot of your arse bending over the cooker. Mum’s job is to be in the background, making the magic happen. Mums are supposed to blend in and look nice – maybe wearing an apron and holding a tray with buns on it - but not hog the limelight.
Sadly, it’s just not appropriate for you to photobomb your child’s 1st birthday picture, or push them out of the way as you plonk yourself on Santa’s knee and smile for the elves’ camera. If you want to see what the hell you look like these days, you’re reduced to talking embarrassing experimental selfies when the kids have gone to bed (taken with the phone practically on the ceiling).
Celebrity Mums seem to manage to stay just about visible, but that’s because they spend most of their time working on their tans and walking down the street drinking Frappucinos with Ashton Kutcher. They have the healthy glow one can only achieve by not spending very much time around children.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are trawling along the street in Macs and Uggs, and no matter whether we have hot pink streaks in our hair or tats of flaming Cadillacs across our norks, the paparazzi aren’t going to emerge from the bushes, flashes blazing. Not unless they’re looking for a candid shot of someone with a large bottom eating an old Goodies cheesy herb puff off the hood of the buggy.
Of course, this is just something we have to deal with. As you get older and usher in the next generation, you’re just not the centre of attention any more. You have a job to do, and it’s a little bit harder than just looking pretty. Leave the wet look disco pants and crop tops to the young ‘uns, dear. But occasionally, wouldn’t it be nice to feel like more than just an extra feature on the handle of a Maclaren?
The only real chance you get to shine is on a girl’s night out. But this is such a magical and rare occurrence that often, you can’t cope. You’ve been so used to playing second fiddle to a stubborn toddler that that going out into the harsh glare of the Adult World can be overwhelming.
What do you do? What do you wear? How do you put make up on again? You go out and notice that the world is full of young people with flat stomachs and high up boobs that don’t rest on top of the table like two exhausted baby polar bears. You wonder what happened. Maybe you can achieve instant youth and pertness by buying some pleather leggings? (Probably not, actually, unless you want a really sweaty crotch and thighs like the last two black puddings in the butcher’s). Ah, how you long for the familiar comfort of that pram handle as you stand at the bar, getting ignored by the staff.
But don’t get upset about it. Instead, revel in your new found mumvisibility. You now have a secret power. You can shriek, shout, laugh, wear leopardprint, dye your hair green, hang around in gangs and terrorise the neighbourhood in your high waisted Mum jeans. Fill your ipod full of Michael Buble songs and let rip, girlfriend!
In fact, you can get up to all kinds of mischief, and nobody will notice. Well, apart from your kid – but isn’t it a mother’s job to embarrass her children?