Unless you’re living on Mars, or you’re actually a baby, you will have noticed ‘Titgate’ - when a real-life talking moob, Nigel Farage, backed up Claridge’s complaint about a mother breastfeeding in their hallowed restaurant. He said that women should ‘go in a corner’ and that the mother was indulging in ‘ostentatious breastfeeding’. Then another (male) columnist compared breastfeeding to urinating. God knows what they’re teaching them at Eton these days, but even I know that’s not right.
Anyway, it’s all gone more viral than that stomach bug that’s currently going around, and women are getting angry and demonstrating and crossing their streams of breast milk in public like in Ghostbusters. And quite right, too.
It’s all so ridiculous that we thought we’d compile an equally ridiculous list of locations where your ‘ostentatious’ breastfeeding would really get you noticed. Because if women are such massive show offs, always getting their naughty baps out to feed their babies, we may as well give ‘em all something to look at, eh?
Cop a load of this, Nige!
In a burlesque club
If your baby is grizzling and you’re on the move, ‘nip’ into Boobies Cabaret to give them a feed. Make sure you’ve got your nipple tassels on and your suspenders, you attention junkie! And if you’re looking for some extra va-va-voom while you sit for a long, tedious hour giving your child their dinner, why not hang upside down on a flaming trapeze or sit in an oversized cocktail glass?
The London Eye
As far as spectacles go, the London Eye is the place to be seen. Be sure to yell ‘I’VE GOT MY NORKS OUT, BRITAIN AND I’M PUMPING VITAL NUTRIENTS!’ when you get to the top.
Move over, elves! It’s time for the whole shopping centre to get an eyeful of your breasts as they do the job that nature intended. Climb on Santa’s knee and nourish your baby while telling him what you want for Christmas (8 hours of uninterrupted sleep).
You ostentatious breastfeeders are always looking for attention, aren’t you? You can’t wait to whip them out and wiggle them in the world’s faces! So why not go the whole hog and climb aboard a float on the Rio carnival? OK, doing the samba while feeding might give your baby a bit of wind, but you’ll get the attention you so obviously crave. (Not).
On stage in the West End
Your moment in the breastfeeding spotlight has finally come! Your nipples are the stars! Your baby might be a little bit overwhelmed with the standing ovation you receive when you wipe their mouth with a muslin cloth, but this is one feed that’s going to make Andrew Lloyd Webber sit up and notice you! At last!
Top of the Empire State Building
It’s probably a bit dangerous to scale the outside of the building like King Kong, so instead take the lift to the 6 millionth floor and feed your baby against the fabulous backdrop of the city that never sleeps. If NYC isn’t paying enough attention, maybe you could hire Michael Buble to sing ‘New York, New York’ with a troupe of Broadway dancers dressed as babies?
With a Mariachi Band
Get your maracas out and your sombrero on and breastfeed in style with an authentic travelling band. Do tours of Mexican restaurants and alarm diners with your command of Spanish and your latching on techniques. If anyone tries to cover up your breastfeeding with a napkin, launch into a spirited rendition of ‘La Cucharacha’ and attack them with a burrito.
On Question Time
Clamber onto Dimbleby’s shoulders and feed your baby while he tries to chair the debate. The loud sound of sucking will hopefully drown out Nigel Farage’s voice and Katie Hopkins will be so disgusted that her head will explode. Bonus!
In the Rovers Return
While Liz McDonald is having a ‘quiet word’ with Steve, Tracy Barlow is torching the place and Emily is sipping her sherry, grab a stool at the bar and feed your infant. Everyone will want to know who that extra is with the massive boobs and the sick all over her shoulder.
Sitting on top of Kim Kardashian’s arse
Wherever Kim’s derriere goes the paparazzi follow, so grab yourself a stepladder – or some crampons and a rope – and perch on top of her bum mountain. Your baby will never have seen so many photographers and you’ll get the thrill of ostentatiously breastfeeding on top of the most famous backside in the universe.
So there you go. There’s no need to be shy - get your breast milk out for the lads and go to town with it!
Or, you could just do what women have been doing for centuries and get on with feeding your kid while the rest of the world DEALS WITH IT. Maybe one day, eh?